Life sucks right now

Well due to my own damn fault I have lost a very 2 good friends. They have been so good to me and I have been so stupid and screwed things up. My hubby says we are good but they way I feel right now nobody should have anything to do with me because  for some reason i alwaysw find a way to screw that up like I always do. I am just poison. My husband deserves so much more and because all I do is dissapoint him and because of me he may have lost them as friends too. Which I hope not he has done nothing wrong except be married to me. If i could turn back time I would change how i handled things to prevent this out come. But I am going to grant her wishes and stay away from both of them so that she can have her happiness in peace without me making her unhappy.

So far scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom is not helping my mental status. Hubby went to meet with one of the friends. I am glad that he is getting out he needs it. But he needs to start feeling better too. I wished that I could just take hos cold away :(.

Oh well for now I will just keep nursing him back to health. And focus on trying to get through this day without either crying or getting my bp back up .

But hope to hear back from some second jobs soon. I want to be able to get a house so that hubby can work from home as Candi and not worry about the reproductions from his current job might due if she came out to them.

By for now, sorry if i depressed your day to those that follow me.


This weekend has been the best weekend in a while. Friday we started our date night again and well it had a rocky start but it was a good night.  Then got an email from a friend and it was awesome news 🙂 I love those two people so much. They are my family and will always be. Not thst I would do it but, if there was a life where you could be married to another couole.. that would be that couple.
They are so fun to be around, so loving, and just plain electrifying and addictive perdonalities.  Yes as all family and friend’s we all have our ups and downs, but I was so in aw over how loving they were to each other. It was like looking at newly weds. I enjoyed that.  
We went dancing and no one over drank and we all had a blast, especially me. I danced my ass off. I forgot how much I love going to country bars. My only wish was that there could have been less line dancing and more room for two stepping.  But I did get hubby on the dance floor for a slow song. Then wouldn’t you know it a song came on that requires doing the waltz.. So I got to teach him how to waltz.  It was so awesome. Hopefully I can teach him how to do the turns and just glide on the floor as if no one else is on the floor but the two of us..
When it comes to two stepping I get into a world like no other. If it was a sport that would be my sport. See I can two step in tennis shoes, boots, or heals (i prefer no heals) as long as Im on the dance floor it doesn’t matter. I just need to teach hubby how to two step, jitterbug, eastern and western style swing and it goes on and on.
The bar even did the Cotton Eye Joe. I ran to the floor!!! As the song got faster the more I did my spins (yes i do that dance by myself lol) but there was a group of girls that almost sent me to the ER. They were drunk and bumped into me and I started to fall and when I tried to step on my right leg it felt like it was gonna buckle. Like three times till I got to the rail. But Thank god i didn’t fall or that my knee didn’t buckle. But I gathered my thoughts and composer and continued untill the song finished . I was so out of breath lolol then finished playing pool with our best friends. The night was so amazing !!!!!
Well better go for now I am still on cloud nine and have to work in a few minutes.
Have a great day folks. Live life to the fullest with mo regrets!!!!!!!!

New Beginings 1/24/2016

Well today is a start of a new beginning for me.. I have come to the conclusion that I have been selfish for my own personal reason yet unknown yet, but in any way I have decided that as of today, I will not try to change any one but myself. I will be accepting everyone for who, what, how, and why they want to be or do. With that said. I once told some people that if you want to be with someone that you have to fully accept them for everything about them and not want to try and change a thing about them or if they can not then more decisions would have to be made.
Well I have noticed that I am not doing tat myself and that is not fair to the love of my life. I have decided that if he is wanting and yearning for the CD lifestyle than who am I to stand in his/her way. I should be trying to help with it instead of trying to hinder it. It has been really hard on me because this has been thrown at me all at once instead of the 30 plus years he has had to come to terms with. And I jus need to suck it up and do my wifely duties and just help him though it if I want my marriage to survive. I can’t even begin to know what he has gone through at all, but he doesn’t have a clue to how it affects us or me either. He has been fighting his own demons for years and because of those demons and my not supporting him like I should have I think we have pushed away very caring friends. I hope in time they will come to forgive us for our wrong doing. But I also need to just learn how to be supportive in this new lifestyle that we are coming into. I did tell Kandi yesterday that  will no longer ask for guy mode. If I happens it happens except for my sons graduation that will be a mandatory guy mode no exceptions.
A close friend of mine put it into good terms, yes they stung with it said but I now need to use tem. She stated that I need to say good bye to Chris and embrace Kandi if I want this to work.  But how does one say goodbye to man you have been with for 14 years and accept the female. I’m not going say this is going be easy and not sure ho the outcome will be, but I will try like hell to be the best wife I can be.
I do know that I will definitely need some friends to help me get through this process if I haven’t chased or alienated anyone away. If I have I am so sorry and you have every right for those feeling. But, this Monday we are going to go to a Transgender support group for Kandi. Who knows maybe I can find support for me as well. I guess I am jealous of Kandi since she has people to help her through this already even before this meeting. I am going to miss the girls night out because at least I have the wives to be there for one night a month.
Well now that I am beginning to ramble, I will say this I going to be a long and scary process for me but I will no longer be selfish and I will let Chris/Kandi be who he or she wants to be. I think that is only fair to do since this is a marriage and I said for better or worse through sickness and in health do we part.


Ok this day really sucks royally!!!! I was in an awesome mood until lunch today. Even though was kinda having a rough day at work that only alowed me to have a 15-20 min lunch break but my heart is bleedong for my 2 Very Best friends in the whole world.  I dont make trie friends very easily or lughtly. No matter what weather they like it or not they have my friendship for life. I wished that there was some way i could give both of them my outlook on life. Yes i breakdown (or actually get bad meltdowns cause Im too busy focusing on everyones happiness and needs that I forget i have them too as I did Saturday night) but with that said they are just as much of friends as they are my family and world.  I can honestly say that no orher person besides hubby and them will ever see the emotional side of my heart again. They broke down lots of berriers and it waz by total surprise :(.
But i will be here for either of them but def both of them. They stole my heart.
If ny chance if they ever read this, i dont think they will since i can put words onto writing like my hubby does. But know this we are here and we will never ever let what you two are going through to ruin what the 4 of us have. We love you that much and remember love is unconditional and compromise and commutation.
But now honna go pout and play games again since i have no pne to talk to for a long while 😦

Chriatmas time

Ok I am not one for showing or telling feelings very well. But here goes i will try. This weekend has been awesome. We got to spend time with my best friends and got to spend quality time with hubby. But I am usually so much more giddier this time of year. For some reason I feel like I just want to go lay in the bed and wish this holiday away. This year has been really tough on me letting my son ho live with his dad to avoid making him move to a strange city. But he is my baby boy and I just feel so lost without him. He is spending christmas with my family but I dont get to be around them or my kids. Yes I do love my husband dearly, but I am a momma to. They dont call me just cause and it hurts like hell and I then go to thinking that them not being around me is a good thing or that I was a terrible momma. I turn 43 tomorrow but all I want is to be able to have them near me so that I can love on them. But it is what it is. So right now just hard to get into the spirit. This sucks. And money is tight that adds to the frustration as well.  But knowing me I will find away to just suck it up and find away to get the spirit so that those around me dont get down. I do have lots to be happy for tjough… my kids are loved, I have a roof over our heads, I have a wonderful job, a awesome husband that adores me, food on the table, and greats friends too. So all is not bad but it still stings a little.
Enough of the self pitty … hope all is having a wonderful day

Birthday Bash 2015

I know I haven’t been on here in a long time. But this weekend was so amazing. For the first time in the 42 years of my life I had the best birthday ever. The weekend started with a great night with my 2 best friends at a Fendom gathering and sad to say my very best friend, lover, husband, and life partner could not be there due to work issues and sleep too, but I did however have a blast. Got to meet some amazing people and got to help a Ma’am spank a sub. I thoughlly enjoyed it. We then finished the night at 3:30 am. We then came back to my house and slept for a few hours.
Thats when I found out that the 3 of them planned a great night for me in Nashville. They kept asking me what I wanted to do… all i could think of for some reason was to have all of us go to a drag show. But we needed to go shopping first. I hate shopping but I so enjoyed it. Even though i found more stuff for my special girl/husband i still found something for me. I went out of my comfort zone and got a dress that looked so stunning and sparkly. I just had a hard time believing i looked stunning. Then to my surprise my best friends got me the most amazing shoes as a bday gift!!! We then got dressed and headed to the club. I danced and sang and just plain had the best time of my life. But i kept checking on Maam and her hurt wrist and hubby to make sure that everyone had as much fun as I was lol. We then went to Waffle house. I was so drunk and wanted french toat so bad that I tried to order it even after I was told they dont have it lolol. Then to the hotel.

We then toured the town and shopped some more. Our friends out did themselves to make sure I had the best time. Words can not express how much I appriciated it. And so to try and show my graditude i invited them to our house for a special home made dinner. They so mean the world to me and my husband. But my husband gets a lot of thanks because he loves me so much that sometimes I forget to tell or show him how much he means to me. We have been through a lot but I think we are so much stronger for that too.

We now I think i am starting to ramble.  I do apologize for the grammer here. But typing on a small phone so I can not spell check.

My rant

Sorry its been a very long time but here goes..

Ok, i just have to rant a lil bit. But before i do i would like to say that i have family members, friends, and accaintness that are gay, straight, liberalist, different races, hillbillies, rednecks, and much more and i love and support each and everyone of them. So here goes my rant… we live in a “so called free country to express our religions, political views, sexualities, freedom of speech and the press, and  our heritages (where we came from)” we have and still fighting for our freedom and our freedom of speech and freedom of the press. But for some reason what everyone forgets is that, if we keep going with this hatred and racism we will wind up having to choose sides all over again and it will be a disgrace to all the men and women who fought in wars, and civil rights movents. Instead of hating the new laws on all marriages and banning flags, we should be focusing on the new laws that are secretly being taking away from us on our Constitution, we should be getting to know our neighbors better and since everyone is born with opinions learn how to use these two simple phrases… Treat someone as you would like to be treated and If you have nothing good to say don’t say anything at all. Those were two phrases that was instilled into my head.. common sense right. We also need to let by gones be by gones and learn to love one another as they are not who or what they are. With all this flag banning crap why cant they put people americans or not in jail for stomping on our nations flag.
I am one of the most accepting people there is, it may take me a minute to digest it and learn to understand it but i will always accept your decisions. For one if their religion, sexuality, political views or what ever it has never nor will ever change the way i live or hurt me unless you personally and physically harm me it do not effect me for I am not the one who has to live with it. I think that a new start is that if you have a US birth certificate or US citizenship that we should just have one box to check and that should be… are you  American not these other choices. That i think would eliminate part of the racism and hatred. Cause otherwise our USA is going to be very devided and we will be killing our own kind.

Ok my rant is over.
Have lunch or a punic with your neighbors, friends, family, or a complete stranger to create a better USA


Today is a great day and the start of a new future. I got a call today that has put me on cloud 9.
It has been sonce last march that i have not been able to work as a CMA. And that i think has put a big funk on pur lifestyle. I think with me back in the medical field and doing what i love to do should be able to let me just let go and be the Dom i am supposed to be. I now have a feeling of purpose and self worth and i am truley  deeply apologize  to my sub/husband for not giving him the attention  that I needed to give him.
But hopefully  that changes as of tomorrow. And I hope to start the daily  ritual  that we started when began our new journey.